06.14.03 | 1:09 pm
A bad week

On top of moving to a new city, getting a new job, moving in with other people, and planning a wedding, I have got the worst bought of depression, which is probably due to the other things, but certainly doesn't help anything. I am really frustrated with not being able to find people to help me once I know I need it.

Warren has been wonderful. Nick and Rachel are gone for the weekend visiting her dad who had a heart attack last week. Warren and I are taking an easy weekend. I have been told i have probably always been like this and always will be, but that medications will fix it all. I am not sure how I feel about always being medicated, but right now I will take anything.

We ordered in Thai food last night, watched Good Will Hunting, slept in this morning until 8, stayed in bed a while, made french toast, and then tried to find the farmer's market. Not so much luck there, since the streets given do not intersect, but the space it would be if they did is a grocery parking lot and there was no market in sight. So we will try for another spot tomorrow.

We have had a lot of storms out here. They are wonderful storms that pour rain and rumble for a really long time. It isn't so much fun when you have to cross streets that are completely flooded, but if you are inside and can watch them it is very nice.

This past week and a half has been so much harder than it should be. Seeing people and being happy and sociable is nearly impossible. I collapse and cry for no reason and stop for no reason and want to go out for a walk, but can't because it is raining.

I can't get out of bed unless there is something that absolutely must get done and then it isn't something that I want to do.

I want to read books because then I don't have to listen to my own thoughts which are random and scattered and make me feel worse.

My parents have been worried and call all the time and will come out here at a moments notice. Warren got his mom worried too and she was going to switch our trip to New York to be here in DC, but I should be fine by then.

Someone is helping me find somewhere to go. It is hard to find anywhere that will take my insurance, but now someone else is working on it and I don't have to worry about it. They will do an assesment and then pass me on to someone else who will do treatment and medication.

The wild ups and downs are frustrating, and feeling like I have to be cheerful and happy at work and around other people is hard.

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